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#1 The Apprentice
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calvin624

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[EDITED x 2]

I wrote this a while back:

‘Master, I am ready to proceed! Why must you prevent my progression any longer?’ asked the boy.

He looked at the old man, the boy’s face was filled with young ignorance and mock courage. Then his hands were glowing electric blue as a sphere began to grow within them, it grew from the size of a marble to that of a cannonball within seconds and it was still growing…

Aneon clicked his fingers and the ball vanished, the boy looked dumbfounded and somewhat annoyed.

‘Progression is something awarded by patience and practice. We shall proceed when you have proven yourself.’

The lad’s hands began to glow again, the blue light shone onto his face making the boy look older than his years. Aneon watched as the young man defied him, the determination in the boy’s eyes roared at the ball to grow and - it did.

The sphere of light grew larger and larger causing his hands to tremble. Moments later it had doubled in size and they shook more vigorously, the light now ignited the room in a wonderful explosion of sapphire blue. Aneon clicked his fingers once again and the ball was gone.

A pain struck the boy, tears began to stream down the young boy’s face at the sight of his scolded palms.

‘Magic is an Art that has to be perfected like any other, it cannot be rushed. This makes Defiance an option not to be explored.’

Aneon brandished a hand over the young boy’s scarred and molten flesh. The redness began to fade as the blisters lessened and within seconds his hands were healed.

‘Now go young Nexus!’
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#2 Re: The Apprentice
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swoop

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I like it! great imagery

there a couple bumps with grammar tho ;-)
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#3 Re: The Apprentice
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calvin624

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Thanks Swoop. Feel free to clue me in, I'll only get better with hints and tips on where I'm going wrong Smile
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#4 Re: The Apprentice
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G@MeF@Ce

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@swoop - there a bump, here a bump, everywhere a bump bump ^,^

@calvin624 - nice~ it was easy for me to picture this scene,
and the way I received it was you have to learn how to harness your
ambitions before you can accomplishing your goals.

using fruit to describe the size of the light kept it medieval
as well as the names...

I totally pictured a kid Ryu (from street fighter)
charging up a blue Hadoken which back fired into wounds

man this makes me want to draw!
I even made a sprite character named Keekyo
which reminds me of this apprentice.
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as for the grammar bump,
the boy’s was face filled
*intermediate dyslexia - I suffer from it all time the ^,^
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#5 Re: The Apprentice
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calvin624

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@gameface101 - good call, I didn't even notice that. I suppose its all down to the fact that we only absorb a small percentage of the information when reading, our brains fill in the gaps like ...

Radenig tihs is aluatlcy qitue esay

Great sprites btw. You multi-talented git! (not that I'm bitter or resentful lol)

I don't like this sentence: "His hands started to shake as the ball grew larger and larger in his palms." any suggestions?

I obviously wanted to say ... "in the palm of his hands" but thats two mentions of "hands" in the same sentence.
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#6 Re: The Apprentice
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G@MeF@Ce

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scratch
the sphere of light increased in size causing his hands to tremble...

"?"
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#7 Re: The Apprentice
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That's pretty good. So compromising somewhat: "The sphere of light grew larger and larger causing his hands to tremble. Moments later it had doubled in size and they shook more vigorously, the light now ignited the room in a wonderful explosion of sapphire blue. Aneon clicked his fingers once again and the ball was gone."

Works well I think. I'll edit the OP with these corrections, thanks guys.
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#8 Re: The Apprentice
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GeMinEye

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The sphere became nothing, and absence flourished in the boys hand with the single snap of the old Master's hand.
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#9 Re: The Apprentice
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"tremors of unseen power surged through the boys arms and then outwardly from his fingertips manifesting into an orb of crackling sapphire!"
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#10 Re: The Apprentice
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skullmeat

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This is a good story. I can visualize it easily and I can't find any hiccups... excepting maybe the fruit. Now this may be style or something that progresses the story later on (we only have this snippet to go on) but it does stand out.

I like the edited progression in the sixth paragraph i.e. tremble-shake-explode..! yeah you don't ever want to explode without doing some trembling and shaking first, it isn't any fun. Laughing
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#11 Re: The Apprentice
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calvin624

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haha, I agree reading through it again the fruit does stand out - marble and cannonball any better?
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#12 Re: The Apprentice
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skullmeat

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@calvin...
Yeah, they would work especially if you wanted to keep a more serious mood or let the story flow more evenly and swiftly.

Although... a narrator (not necessarily the author) with some kind of subtle or overt fruit obsession is interesting...
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#13 Re: The Apprentice
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Eleanor unwrapped her melons then squeezed them tenderly ... that sort of thing? haha Very Happy
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#14 Re: The Apprentice
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skullmeat

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Yes, that is one kind of interesting. Laughing
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#15 Re: The Apprentice
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secret message below:
Eleanor tenderly squeezing her melons! oh behave~ yeah baby!!! ^,^
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#16 Re: The Apprentice
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